id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
