Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
