I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
