Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
