There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
