good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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