That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
