it wasn't lemon gatorade
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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