she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
