On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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