I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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