respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
