i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
