my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
