I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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