cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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