happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
