if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
