If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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