He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
