My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
