I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
