So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
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have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
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I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.