I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The power of my boobs compel you