wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
