Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
