I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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