Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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