You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
