i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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