Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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