It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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