I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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