Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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