why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
