never play flip cup with pint glasses
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
