id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You're like the curious george of whores
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
