mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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