I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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