if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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