The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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