I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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