come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
