He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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