my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
