Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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