Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
