I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
