So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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