Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
