I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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