Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I looked at my own cervix.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
