Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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