It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
She needs sedatives and a leash
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
