I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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