Sober January is a disaster.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
